I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
So, we're in the car ready to fuck and she asks about my ex. I wave at my lap and say, "bye". She asks what I'm doing. I say, "waving goodbye to my erection"
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
did anyone else see me puking into my coat sleeve?
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
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