There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me
He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
Randomize
