do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
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