Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Apparently we fucked, I kicked him out, then he came back and we did it on the coffee table and in the kitchen.
Randomize
