You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
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