Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I understand Curling. That high.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
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Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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