State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Got baked and laid and ate baked lays when I laid down while baking the brownies I I’m Superman
You’re still high, aren’t you?
Oh yeah
Randomize
