I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
it's all just a bunch of faces and i remember what the floor looked like.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
