so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm really hoping to find some quality strange ass tonight while at my court appearance.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Omg one of the midgets from last night just added me to Facebook.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
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