i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
yeah i didn't know anyone, but i just walked in with a lit sparkler and wearing a budweiser shirt and someone handed me a beer.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Just thought you should know, Im with josh now. Im no longer available for rent. I have a full time tenant now. Like, a year long lease at least.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Randomize
