Did you hallucinate the same white buffalo that I did last night.
No, but I did see you shaking hands with a homeless man.
They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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