Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
