he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
So right before she was about to give me head she tapped the tip and said "Is this thing on" I think I'm in love.
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
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