I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
You know I'm really starting to enjoy being everyones first gay experience
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Boobs speak an international language.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Randomize
