He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
I'm not ready for the Pike bikes to move back in to town it was wonderful seeing that sorority house empty all summer
... I'm KD
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I just want somebody to fondle my boobs while I read fanfiction. Is that too much to ask?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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