my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
Hope you’re getting action boo.
Definitely no. I woke up next to a bag of McDonald's.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
