Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
