I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.
Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Randomize
