I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
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