So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It was a fun night! I woke up with a boyfriend, again....
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
