Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
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