I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples
you dont
i dont
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
