sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
