I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
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