Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do brothers usually kiss their sisters?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
