I faked an abortion last night.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Randomize
