dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
we smoked out of your homemade aunt jamima bong
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
