Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
Randomize
