i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
How big of a disservice to the economy would we be doing if we didn't drink every day holiday break?
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Grandpa just whipped it out and started pissing on the way to the game stuck in traffic. I saw EVERYTHING. :(
Randomize
