i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
where does the pee come out of this thing
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
Saw 2 lesbians fist fighting outside the bar tonight. I was startled yet slightly turned on
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Randomize
