i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Hungover, threw up in a cosmetic case in my car this morning. This is real life.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I feel I should send an apology letter to my anesthesiologist.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Randomize
