Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
And he showed us your test. You wrote what is this shit and scribbled on it? Nice 3%..
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
