This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
Randomize
