4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
She just did a myspace photoshoot with her baby
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
