I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
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