I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
