I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
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