I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.
"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
