My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
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