why did i wake up to an event notice that says "Shit Just Got Real"?
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
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