I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
