You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
