I am puke
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
so i asked him why he doesn't wanna see me anymore and he said he was questioning his sexuality. cool.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
and this is why i am such an inspirational person, i am the Joel Osteen of alcoholics.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
I think a major source of concern would be the fact you snorted a shot. Who does that?
Randomize
