remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
Apparently you make a good broom.
That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
My vagina supports interfraternal relations
Yeah like 200 white people came and they are playing that one Biggie Smalls song everyone knows.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Randomize
