I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?
lets deal with that after we figure out where i am
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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