Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
I come back home for break and my room is full of weed either my parents really love me or they are having more fun then I am in college
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Do I masturbate or eat a pound of matazah. Alissa help what do I do??
Randomize
