He started to lick my mole,thinking it was my nipple.
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Randomize
