I feel great
I just peed on a car
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .
Well for number 40 i would prefer to at least like the guy attached to the dick
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
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