only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After my second liter of German beer, nothing D-cup or larger is safe near me.
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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