I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
This is the weirdest negotiation ever.
This is what happens when two people with zero shame try to argue.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
