Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
he laminated a picture of his dick.
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
I smell of tequila and Im going to a funeral. This is my life.
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