I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
Well I never thought in the future I'd be able to say "hey remember that Easter I made porn?"
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Randomize
