I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Im pretty sure at one point a very high you yelled, with actual tears in your eyes, "im not wrestling with you anymore, you dont respect my safe word!!"
You know what I realized today? That my biggest regret of freshman year was ditching you and that foam party to have a one night stand with a skinny jean wearing vocal major.
I am concerned for your priorities but also really flattered. Flattery wins
She knocked me and my drink to the ground with her ass. I have never been mad at someone for having a glorious booty.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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