Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
His new job just became new places to have sex at.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
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