u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Just got an email from TMobile. Said they were going to pursue "more qualified" candidates. So this is what rock bottom feels like.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
she broke a 50 dollar bottle of alcohol. then passed out in front of her car and got sprayed by a skunk
Randomize
