8am blowjobs give a whole new meaning to morning breath..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Yeah you fell over while you were peeing and you said "hold I'm, I'm still peeing"
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦🏼♀️
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
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