I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
