I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
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